The NFL Networks opening song is, for lack of a better word(s), fucking terrible. They need to show a little more effort. I even like Cee Lo, but that was bad.
8:30pm – The NFL Network puts up a graphic showing that Ryan Tannehill is the first QB taken in the 1st round since Dan Marino. And that’s where the comparison ends.
8:31 – The Bills force a 3 & out. Having watched most of their games, this could have been much worse for the Bills.
8:32 – LEODIS MCKELVIN!!! Wow. 79-yard punt return for TD and just like that it’s Bills up 7-0. Apparently McKelvin has the highest punt return average in the NFL or so they’ve told me.
8:36 – The Network shows a Bills player being blocked into the Miami Dolphins punter and their special teams coach having a seizure because no roughing penalty was called. None should have been called, the Bills player was BLOCKED into the kicker.
8:38 – 3rd & 14 and the Dolphins call what looks like a legit QB draw. Delightful play call. Way to throw caution into the wind.
8:40 – Commercial showing an Apple Ipad and a smaller Ipad, called the…wait for it…Ipad MINI! Shocking.
8:41 – Graphic showing the Bills have had one (ONE!!!) winning season since 2000. I’m gonna go tell my wife to hide the razors.
8:42 – NFL Network just informed the audience that CJ Spiller is averaging 7.3 yards per carry. Holy shit. And so naturally on 3rd & 1 Gailey takes out Spiller and puts in Tashard Choice for a no gain. This is the play calling that Bills fans have come to know and love.
8:47 – Decent pass to Hartline from Tannehill and Hartline fumbles! The Dolphins have racked up this in their first three possessions; punt, punt, fumble.
8:54 – You shouldn’t have to question a Harvard graduates decision-making this much. Fitzpatrick drives me nuts.
8:58 – Fitzpatrick to the end zone for Donald Jones and incomplete. Shocking. The Bills receiving corps after Stevie Johnson is abysmal. If I were a Bills opponent I would just double Johnson on every play and dare the rest of the receivers to beat me.
8:59 – FG good by Lindell. 10-0 Bills.
9:00 – Commercial featuring Drew Brees and some group that only 12-year-old girls would know. Perfect ad for the NFL Network.
9:01 – 96 yard return for TD by Marcus Thigpen. All my earlier good feelings have just been demolished. I fully expect the Bills to now lose 35-10. Currently 10-7 Bills. I would keep the special teams coaches of the Bills and Dolphins away from the Falls though. Might not end well after this 1st quarter.
9:05 – The Bills take the field on offense. I’ll put the O/U on Fitzpatrick INT at 2 1/2.
9:10 – 3rd & 1 from the Miami 16 and Fitzpatrick throws over the middle and *this* close to his 1st INT of the game. Karlos Dansby has hands of stone.
9:11 – Lindell good from 34. 13-7 Bills.
9:18 – Another 3 & out for the Dolphins. The four Dolphins offensive possessions now read like this; punt, punt, fumble, punt. Maybe I’ll take back my prediction after the Miami kickoff return TD of 35-10. Miami might not be able to score the rest of the game. They’ve only managed that lone return. Nil otherwise and extremely ugly.
9:20 – I loathe Kay Jewelers commercials.
9:26 – Spiller now has 9 carries. I’m pretty sure 8 he bounced outside.
9:29 – Lindell good from 42, now 16-7 Bills. At this rate the Bills will have that McKelvin punt return and 10 FGs for a 37-7 win.
9:31 – I loathe Time Warner Cable. They rape and pillage my bank account.
9:33 – Reggie Bush is fast. Really fast. He’s also all or nothing. 13 yard swing pass, followed up by 3 yard loss on the rush.
9:36 – Last five offensive possessions by the Dolphins; punt, punt, fumble, punt, punt. It’s getting uuuuugly.
9:40 – Ryan Fitzpatrick throws one of the more inaccurate deep balls in the game, yet the Dolphins have committed three interference penalties on deep throws that in no way, shape, or form would have been completed. Shocking in that Gailey keeps throwing it deep and that the Dolphins D keeps being the Dolphins D.
9:43 – Fitzpatrick over the middle to Choice on 3rd & 6. Except Choice had three defenders draped all over him and another coming from over the top. That Harvard thought process for ya. Maybe the Bills offensive coordinator is just all YOLO at this point and throws caution to the wind.
9:47 – Last six offensive possessions by the Dolphins; punt, punt, fumble, punt, punt, punt. I have no words for this.
9:55 – Great throw from Fitzpatrick to Johnson to get the Bills inside the Miami 5. Bad news is they use their last timeout with only 15 seconds left until the half. Terrible, terrible, terrible clock management.
9:56 – Fitzpatrick across the middle, ball tipped 10 feet in the air and sure INT dropped by Miami defender.
9:57 – Fitzpatrick to Johnson, incomplete, BUT (there’s always a ‘but’) pass interference on Miami. Ball placed at the Miami 1. Irrelevant as Fitzpatrick throws an ugly ball to Chandler at the goal line that was knocked down.
9:59 – Lindell good from 19 (yeah, a 19 yard FG). 19-7 Bills. Only six more FGs to go! WHO’S EXCITED?! And with the we go to the half.
10:02 – Rich Eisen on the screen and joining him on the screen is muffled, tinny sounds and large black blocks through the screen. Then it jumps to the studio where we hear Chris Rose say, “Hi everyone and welcome to…” before it abruptly jumps to a Kay Jewelers commercial. Cool.
10:13 – Kickoff in the second half, McKelvin to the 21. Then we get Alex Flanigan on to tell us that the Dolphins have more penalty yards (51) than total offensive yards (50). Damn.
10:14 – Spiller for 9 up the middle and one missed tackle away from going all the way. It seems to me that every other touch Spiller has he’s one missed tackle away from breaking off a big chunk.
10:20 – Bills punt after a good drive stalls. It’s odd, the Bills are all YOLO until they cross over into Miami territory, then they turn emo.
10:25 – Last seven offensive possessions by the Dolphins; punt, punt, fumble, punt, punt, punt, punt. Time for the Dolphins to throw caution to the win and YOLO it.
10:29 – Sorry, Mercedes, but Santa isn’t giving out C250 Sports Sedan’s for Christmas. He’s just not.
10:32 – The Bills are fortunate they’re playing such a wretched team right now. Most of the rest of the league would have squashed them out already, but they’re playing the Dolphins and their putrid offense.
10:39 – The Bills get called for defensive holding and for the second time on the drive give the Dolphins a 1st down. Ugly damn game. Neither of these teams have anything figured out. It’s apparent when you watch them. Disorganized, poor play calling, and just plain old lack of talent at most positions.
10:41 – Carpenter misses a 50 yarder. Last eight offensive possessions by the Dolphins; punt, punt, fumble, punt, punt, punt, punt, missed FG. Dolphins fans are now perilously close to suicide watch.
10:46 – Bills are building a modest drive as the 3rd quarter comes to an end. Mercilessly comes to an end. The game should be called actually. It’s a sham. I’m a Bills fan and my team is winning, but shit this is terrible!
10:52 – Reggie Bush for 8. I wonder how this drive will end.
10:53 – Tannehill to Bess for the first down. First 3rd down conversion of the game. Better late than never, right?!
10:56 – Tannehill to Bess down to the Bills 8. Suddenly they have life. Where did this come from? They couldn’t actually score an offensive TD after how Chiefs-like they’ve played all game, right?! RIGHT?!
10:59 – Kyle Moore sacks Tannehill, but (BUT!!) facemask penalty on Moore. While I was sure they might want to win, the Bills do in fact appear to want to lose this game as well.
11:02 – Bess catches what appears to be a TD, but the officials rule him out of bounds or incomplete. Hard to tell because one official said one thing and another official said another. Shocking. The replacement refs are gone, right? The Dolphins toss our their little red flag to challenge.
The replays seem to show a TD, but what do I know.
11:05 – The ruling on the field is overturned. TD Miami. I’m in shock and yet completely unsurprised at the same time that the Bills let Miami back into the game. Now 19-14 Bills.
Do the Bills have the loss in them? Still 8:42 left in the 4th. I say they can pull the loss out.
11:08 – Spiller turns a 2 yard loss into a 5 yard gain. If Spiller was on a better team he’s a superstar right now. But he’s on the Bills and so he’s just another good player.
11:11 – Graphic up showing that the Bills have been outscored this season in the 4th quater, 103-35. Maybe they can work the double reverse jinx?
11:13 – Nope. Bills fail to covert on 3rd and have to punt. The punt though goes out-of-bounds at the 1! That ball could not have bounced in a more favorable way for the Bills.
11:19 – Tannehill sacked by Shawne “Tila Tequila” Merriman and we head into the 2-minute warning.
11:22 – Tannehill deep to Devone Bess and INTERCEPTED by Jairus Byrd with 1:54 left in the 4th! I really thought the Bills were ready to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Play will certainly be reviewed.
11:25 – Ref returns to tell everyone that the play was confirmed. Bills 1st & 10 from their own 35. 1:54 remaining.
11:29 – Bills stopped on 3rd down and will be forced to punt. There’s still time for them to lose this game.
It really seems like they want it bad, they could still get it done!
11:31 – Like Lucky Charms the Dolphins have suddenly become magically delicious and are driving through the Bills D.
11:32 – Tannehill down the middle and INTERCEPTED by Byron Scott! In a game of, “No, you win” “No, YOU win” the Dolphins won that argument and the Bills come away with the victory.
11:33 – Final score: Bills 19 – Miami 14
What a frighteningly bad game.